Okay everyone. I’m gonna tell you a very embarrassing story. So on the very first day of 1st Grade, I pooped my pants. This is how it happened: My mom is dropping off my older sister, Jamie, and me right in front of the main entrance to our elementary school. I’ve been acting all cool-guy all morning like 1st Grade is no big deal and I’m gonna handle it just fine – even better than Jamie who’s going into 2nd Grade and has more experience than me. I step out of the car and my mom says, “Have a great first day of school you guys! Love you!” I feel a nervous fart coming on and start letting it out. I swing the door shut and it thuds closed at exactly the moment that the nervous “fart” turns into nervous liquid poop and hits me right in the underwear. Pooped my pants. Not a lot. Not enough to immediately jump back in the car. But definitely enough to know that I need a game plan. I stand there, shocked, considering my options as my mom drives away forever. I turn back to Jamie and I’m so dang cool and ready to tackle 1st Grade that I don’t say anything. Just walk on to my classroom. I spend the first hour sitting with one foot under my butt trying desperately to seal in the smell. The girl next to me asks, “Do you smell poop?” and I say “No! But maybe you stepped in dog poop…” When we’re done with “rug time” and are moving to our desks, I ask to go to the bathroom where I wipe my butt and underwear and pray to God that I’m not found out. If I can JUST make it through this day without becoming the kid who pooped his pants on the first day of school, I’ll live. I contemplate throwing away my underwear but the trash can is just a tiny thing with no lid and filling it up with soiled fruit-of-the-looms seems like a great way to get caught brown-handed so I just decide to ride out my poopy underwear all day. Desk work is okay because there’s more space between us all but “rug time” is the freaking worst. During rug time I sit on one foot, then the other foot, then both feet. But I make it through the day! I make it! And when my mom brings me and Jamie back home that afternoon my first order of business is throwing my underwear away to destroy all the evidence.
That was a rough day for 6-year-old me. But now, if I could be a fly on the wall, I would LOVE to witness that moment in my life. It would be so damn hilarious to watch kid me deal with that pressure!! Plus I’d be a fly! So poop smell all day would be, like, a bonus!
Source: My brilliant friend Ron who runs Homeschool Spanish Academy
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