This question needs a bit more setup. It’s just the tip of a very useful iceberg. For the whole scoop, you’ll just have to read “The Art of Possibility.” But the gist is this: When trying to reach someone (a colleague, a family member, a neighbor) who seems disengaged or disaffected, “the secret is not to speak to a person’s cynicism, but to speak to her passion.” Author Benjamin Zander is an orchestra conductor. And in this part of the book he’s taking about transforming interactions by “Giving people A’s,” meaning that everything changes if you assume the best about people’s motivations – you default to giving A’s instead of F’s. Benjamin explains this through a story about one of his underperforming musicians, Tanya:

“When I initially approached Tanya – not to reprimand a recalcitrant member of the team for not pulling her weight, but rather with the attitude, the certain knowledge, that she loved the music, that she wanted the concert to be a success, that she wanted to “get into the string” with her bow – I gave her an A. My question to her, “Is there anything amiss?” was a question to someone I imagined to be completely committed to the project we were engaged in together, someone who, for whatever reason, was having a hard time.”

Ask this question (or any question, really) after you’ve given an A, and see how the interaction unfolds differently.

Source: The Art of Possibility by Rosamund Stone and Benjamin Zander. Fantastic read.

Have you asked this question? How did it go? Do you have advice for how best to ask it? PLEASE RATE! AND WRITE A REVIEW (in the comment box below)!