In the early days of Facebook, there was a section of your profile that had two adjoining boxes: interests and then activities. One of my college friends (can’t remember exactly whom) had filled the “interests” section with lots of things – reading, running, listening to live music, learning some form of martial arts… And then in the “activities” section, he wrote simply: “Trying to make this box match the one above.” Clever. And poignant. It’s stuck with me all these years and reminded me to think deliberately about making my daily actions match my deeper interests. But I don’t always manage it as well as I’d like. Or well at all. How long before an “interest” gets demoted to the “to do list”? To merely an aspiration? I don’t know. But if I haven’t spoken ANY French at length in 9 years, how “interested” can I actually be in it? There’s no judgement around any of this. It’s just a question to ask yourself so that you can either 1) renew your commitment or 2) make room for newer, more relevant interests. Continue reading How long before an “interest” becomes merely an aspiration?
What’s the last thing you’d say you’ve “aged out” of?
My friend Aaron came up with this question while we were talking about clubbing. It’s a good one. When was the last occasion that made you think, “Ehh, I think I might be getting too old for this”? I’m in my 30’s now so I’ll probably be thinking this a lot in the future. But then again, probably not any more than I’ve thought it throughout my life. The truth is, we’re aging out of things all the time. I definitely remember being 10 years old, in what would be my last year participating in a summer arts/enrichment camp for little kids and thinking “I might be too old for this next summer…” I also remember being 26 years old. After coming back from volunteering in Haiti, I’d been living at home for two and a half years. I thought to myself then, “Dude, you’re getting too old for this…” What is the most recent thing that you’d say you’ve aged out of? Continue reading What’s the last thing you’d say you’ve “aged out” of?
How different was your life two haircuts ago?
This is such a novel question – love it! Obviously answers will vary widely since some people cut their hair every few weeks and some people cut their hair very rarely. Measuring time by a “unit” like haircuts will do that. That’s what makes this one fun. For me, two haircuts ago I hadn’t yet turned 32. So that’s different! How about you? Continue reading How different was your life two haircuts ago?
How can I assume positive intent?
This is another gem from “Decisive: How to Make Better Choices In Life and Work” by Chip and Dan Heath. I’ve listed this question here in the “Ask Your Significant Other” category but it’s better classified as a question you ask yourself ABOUT your significant other. As explained by the Heath brothers: “A blogger named Rochelle Arnold-Simmons uses the ‘assume positive intent’ principle with her husband: ‘When your husband does something and you immediately go to a negative place, ask yourself, ‘What are other possibilities that may be more positive than what you are thinking?’ Assume he is trying to help, assume he does not need to be reminded, assume it is not his fault. I try to always ask the question, ‘What’s another possibility?'”
Adopting this posture, “assume positive intent,” is a complete game-changer in relationships as well as work settings. It helps you to see around confirmation bias (the tendency to notice first the information that confirms your initial assumptions) and to make better decisions instead.
So the next time you get frustrated with your partner, how can you assume positive intent? Continue reading How can I assume positive intent?
When was the last time the world made you stop, awestruck, and say, “Wow.”?
I was at home in Los Angeles (where I grew up) over this past 4th of July holiday. I surfed a lot as a kid and still love it. My wife Emily is learning. During the long weekend, we took a mini surf trip to Doheny State Beach – a 1 hour drive south to some of the most beginner-friendly, fun waves in Southern California. We were in the water already by 7am. It was still overcast but the water was glassy and there weren’t a lot of other surfers out yet. Perfect little 2-foot waves rolled in all morning. From the lineup I watched Em catch waves, ride them 100 yards to shore, and turn back in my direction, smiling. The sun broke through the clouds and I thought, “Wow.”
Noticing these moments when they happen is, I think, one of the keys to happiness. Continue reading When was the last time the world made you stop, awestruck, and say, “Wow.”?
Want to come to [x] with me on [y]?
[x] = coffee, [y] = Tuesday
[x] = my church, [y] = Sunday morning
[x] = the potluck, [y] = next weekend
A very wise acquaintance once wrote that she makes it a personal policy NOT to debate religion or politics with someone UNLESS she is in relationship with that person. “In relationship” means that you’ve gotten to know more about a person than merely the candidate they voted for 4 years ago. You’ve interacted with them in various settings. You’ve eaten meals together. You’ve laughed about something together (even if you wouldn’t call each other friends). Arguing faith or politics outside of relationship is only half a step above fighting on the internet with someone’s avatar in the comments section. It’s just pointless. Which is why this [x][y] question matters so much. Fill the x and y however you want. But ask the question so you can BE IN RELATIONSHIP and your disagreements will be productive. Continue reading Want to come to [x] with me on [y]?
If you were an Olympic athlete, what sport would you want to compete in? Why?
At the time of writing, it’s day 2 of the 2016 Rio Olympics! We’ve gotta have at least one Olympics-themed question. What sport would you want your gold medal to come from? It turns out President Obama would want to be a sprinter like Usain Bolt. He’s drawn to the purity and definitiveness of the “fastest man alive” distinction. As for me, I’d love to win the gold medal in water polo, which I played in high school and college. In the fantasy world where that happens, I’d also probably be the shortest Olympic water polo goalie in history. (The real guys are like 6’6”-ish. I am… not that.) Continue reading If you were an Olympic athlete, what sport would you want to compete in? Why?
If you had $30,000 and an entire year to study your deepest interest, what would you do?
Ever heard of the Watson Fellowship? It’s awarded to graduating college seniors and is mind-blowingly fantastic. From the Watson website:
“The Watson is a rare window of time after college and pre-career to engage your deepest interest on a world scale. Fellows conceive original projects, execute them outside of the United States for one year and embrace the ensuing journey. They decide where to go, who to meet and when to change course. They do not affiliate with academic institutions and may not hold formal employment. The program produces a year of personal insight, perspective and confidence that shapes the arc of fellows’ lives. Started in 1968, Watson Fellows comprise leaders in every field. The one-year stipend is $30,000.”
New college grads be damned. If YOU could become a Watson fellow right now, how would you spend the year? Continue reading If you had $30,000 and an entire year to study your deepest interest, what would you do?
If you could replace all the advertising messages in your life with some other message, what would you choose?
You know those plugins for Facebook that will replace all the baby pictures in your newsfeed with pictures of cats? Or replace all the political posts in your feed with high-res images of bacon? I wonder what life would be like if that kind of universal “find-and-replace” were possible with the non-stop advertising we get bombarded with day in and day out. SO MUCH of the messaging we encounter in daily life is engineered to get us to take out our wallets and trade money for stuff. That is the ultimate and only goal. Everything is optimized around it. The intensity of it all is truly staggering.
What if all those messages were optimized for some other outcome? ANY other outcome. Can you even imagine it? What if it was all about, who knows, getting you to feel grateful and say thank you?
In line at the grocery store you’d see a magazine with the cover story, “30 Things You Probably Don’t Appreciate Enough.” You’d turn on the radio hoping for music but it would be thank you letters. Again. None of the stations can seem to go more than four songs before playing several minutes of people reading heartfelt thank you letters… Before your Youtube video plays, you’d have to sit through a totally unrelated 15-second clip about not taking people for granted. You’d drive past a billboard with a 2006 Honda Civic on it. The 15 foot tall words would say: “Your ’06 looks great! Happy 10th birthday to all of the 2006 Hondas out there! Thanks for buying a Honda.” You’d stop at a red light. The length of a passing bus would be covered with an ad of two young attractive models smiling above the words: “We swipe right for grateful types.”
After just 1 week of that kind of immersion, how would your mindset be different? Continue reading If you could replace all the advertising messages in your life with some other message, what would you choose?
Of all the things you wear, what makes you feel most different when wearing it?
The Invisibilia Podcast examines the invisible forces that control human behavior. A recent episode is titled “The Secret Emotional Life of Clothes.” In it the show hosts interview a middle-aged man who always wears sunglasses (a habit he picked up in high school when he discovered that sunglasses cut down on the number of times he was bullied). The show also looks at the mental effects on non-doctors of wearing a white doctor’s coat. It even examines the racial attitudes surrounding the hoodie. It got me thinking, of all the things I wear, what makes me feel the most different? I would have to say it’s my wedding band. I think it’s because nothing else I’ve ever worn signals something so clearly to society. People know I’m married. It makes me feel married. Steadied. Attached to Emily. Grateful. Continue reading Of all the things you wear, what makes you feel most different when wearing it?
What’s your favorite public space in the city where you live?
Amanda Burden, former city commissioner of New York City, is a passionate advocate for public spaces. She believes that great cities are defined by their public spaces – parks, paths, artwork, libraries… And she fought to make some of NYC’s most widely used spaces a reality, including Battery Park and the stunning High Line – a must-see 1.5-mile section of elevated, unused rail line that’s been transformed into a park and green space. What’s the mix like in your city of private space and public space? Are there any public spaces that you use often? That you love? That don’t exist yet but that you’d love to see? Continue reading What’s your favorite public space in the city where you live?
What would have to be true for this option to be the right answer?
This is indeed a phenomenal question to ask in a work setting, but it’s also a great question to ask in ANY setting when you and someone else are trying to decide what to do. Here’s further explanation from “Decisive” where this question comes from:
“Roger Martin says the ‘What would have to be true?’ question has become the most important ingredient of his strategy work… Martin said, ‘If you think an idea is the wrong way to approach a problem and someone asks you if you think it’s the right way, you’ll reply ‘no’ and defend that answer against all comers. But if someone asks you to figure out what would have to be true for that approach to work, your frame of thinking changes… This subtle shift gives people a way to back away from their beliefs and allow exploration by which they give themselves the opportunity to learn something new.”
If your business partner is strongly opposed to a potential merger, ask her: “What would have to be true for the merger to be the right decision?”
If your son wants to quit the soccer team, ask him: “What would have to be true for staying on the team to be the right decision?”
This question puts everyone on the same team. It’s a thought exercise. It’s productive and creates forward motion. “I’m not saying that this IS the answer, but what conditions would you need to see in order for it to be the right answer hypothetically?” Works like magic. Continue reading What would have to be true for this option to be the right answer?
What does your toothbrush tell about you?
TEDx speaker Anna Rosling-Ronnlund curates photos of everyday objects from households, rich and poor, around the world. She hopes “visitors will browse through galleries of toothbrushes, tables, shoes and toys and see how each object is transformed by the pressures of poverty.” This gallery of toothbrushes, in particular, struck me. I worry about money in daily, middle class life – I do. I also have the nicest toothbrush imaginable. Sonicare. (Costco did a great sale on it that I jumped on a year ago.) When the anxious thoughts start flying that I should make more money because I’m a new husband, because I should provide, because starting a family is probably in my future, because money is a measure of a man, because we need more stuff… I want to remember the question: What does your toothbrush say about all this? Continue reading What does your toothbrush tell about you?
What kind of hairstyle(s) did you rock growing up?
This is a great meeting-starter question because it’s lighthearted, quick, and it virtually guarantees that you’ll learn something new about your team. When you ask this, you find out that someone’s donated to Locks of Love, that someone very unexpected used to rock a mohawk, that someone has cut his own hair since age 6… I’ve seen this one work really well. Probably because it’s the just the right mix of fast, fun, and a little bit vulnerable. Continue reading What kind of hairstyle(s) did you rock growing up?
What was the most fun for you about making what you made?
Process, process, process! While it’s important to help kids understand that creating does involve frustrations and roadblocks, it’s crucial that they focus on what they love about making things too. This helps them know their own strengths and it helps you feed your kid’s creative streak with activities that align with her personality and interests. Continue reading What was the most fun for you about making what you made?
Can I come over next Thursday to watch ____________ with you?
This question hits many of the recommendations that Cancer.net encourages friends of cancer patients to practice. 1) Ask permission (don’t just show up at your friend’s house – he might not be feeling up to hanging out). 2) Make plans (recovery is helped significantly by having things to look forward to). 3) Talk about and do things that don’t have anything to do with illness. 4) Treat your friend the same. 5) Be there! Continue reading Can I come over next Thursday to watch ____________ with you?
What’s the last song you remember dancing alone to?
Oh dang. First off, let me just say: “You’re welcome.” So I recently came across the Spotify playlist called “Bollywood Top 50.” Go ahead. Start following it. Trust me. There’s a song on there called “Tunak Tunak Tun – Remix.” I have no idea what the song is about but I’ll be damned if that is not just the danciest, bangin’est, catchiest thing I’ve ever heard IN MY LIFE. I found it initially while visiting my parents over the 4th of July weekend. My mama and I instantly started Bollywood dance partying it up. Instantly and with no power to do otherwise. Like we’d been hypnotized to dance and the trigger song was that song. Since then, I’ve definitely danced to this by myself on a few occasions. There. I’ve come clean. How about you? Continue reading What’s the last song you remember dancing alone to?
Who’s the last person that you remember really impressing you and what did they do exactly to earn your respect?
This is a tough question to answer at first. But I encourage you to resist the urge to just say “Well I honestly can’t remember.” Just keep thinking and a person will emerge. It doesn’t matter if the moment was from 2 years ago. For me, two Tuesdays ago I went to my very first Nia class ever. Never heard of Nia? I hadn’t either. It’s part exercise class, part dance party, and part – I dunno – reflection on movement? My friend Heather just started teaching free classes in town and had included me on the email list she was inviting to her weekly workouts. Let me say the class was a blast. But it’s not a conventional thing exactly. There are plenty of opportunities to feel embarrassed when telling people to roar or chop the air or catch imaginary flies. But man, my friend Heather was just so into it! The joyfulness in her leading, the total lack of too-cool-for-school syndrome, the commitment to the workout and philosophy… All of that combined with how unexpected it was and the entrepreneurial nature of it left me thinking, “Huh – I’m really impressed.” This is a great question to ask anyone really. But for some reason, I especially like the idea of asking your significant other. Continue reading Who’s the last person that you remember really impressing you and what did they do exactly to earn your respect?
Is there a book, blog, album, movie, or other kind of media that would be included in the instruction manual for “How to Understand A [You]?”
Seth Godin’s blog. No instruction manual on “How to Understand A Carlo” would be complete without a link or two hundred to Seth’s blog. So much of what shapes my attitude about the kinds of work I do, how I do it, and for whom I do it comes directly or indirectly from Seth. (I say it like we’re on a first-name basis, haha!!) I could explain my perspective for a week straight about these topics or you could just read some of Seth’s blog and be pretty much be all caught up. How about you? What book, article, album, or other media goes into your user manual? Continue reading Is there a book, blog, album, movie, or other kind of media that would be included in the instruction manual for “How to Understand A [You]?”
Which would be worse: having to leave the country and never return, or never being able to travel more than 150 miles from where you live now?
Truth be told, I find this question nearly impossible to answer. How could you possible choose between the two? I think the unfairness of the question is why I’m drawn to it. So much of who I am comes from international experiences… But if I absolutely gun-to-my-head had to pick, I’d live in the circle with the 150-mile radius. I think that reflects my belief that you can always go deeper where you are. You can discover a new world by getting to know your neighbors. And if you can build community with those around you, you’ve done your part to bring about peace in the world. At least that’s how I feel right now… This is a great question to find out how someone thinks about travel and how they value the sense of place. Continue reading Which would be worse: having to leave the country and never return, or never being able to travel more than 150 miles from where you live now?